I want to give a disclaimer before I post this. A lot of what I am about how I feel. And I will have to say FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS!!! I am working through this and I just really need a venting board right now. This isn’t a personal attack or stab at people who know me. I know you all are busy and can’t do anything right now or even want to. Nor is it your responsibility. I have to be responsible for my own happiness. Yes I do notice when a person gives me their time and I really do appreciate and am grateful for it. However, I have to get this out of my head.
I need to expand on it I have to face it feel it in order for it to be solved. God is working through me and right now I feel like I am being dragged through Icy Antarctica.
The cold is settling early too and my winter depression has seemed to kick in quicker than normal. Usually the holidays keep me up beat until January but this year it really hasn’t worked. I wonder if it is because my life has felt so empty and my reality is starting to come into focus. My extended family is slowly spreading apart. Nieces and Nephews are growing up and older generations are moving on to the afterlife. I know it is silly but I can see in the next 5-10 years Dan and I spending Holidays by ourselves.
I am also having to accept the fact that in depth close relationships are almost impossible for me now and this social butterfly is going to have to accept I am pretty much going to be alone most of the time. I know what you are thinking “Oh but you are always so busy”. Yes I keep busy I find things to do and volunteer for or go to but in reality it is just too run away from my lonely feelings. I find myself often alone in a room full of people.
Because of this I battle with the following thoughts and feelings: I don’t matter I am a useless waste of space and energy. I am burden for everyone and annoyance. I never know when it is safe to contact anyone and when I do I always seem like I am bothering them and there is no time to hear about my day. I try to respect that people have so many things going on and that my trivial little existence shouldn’t be their concern and honestly would be bothersome. I am so aware of the time people give me and try not to over stay my welcome, or keep them from their families/lives. I don’t want to be annoying, self-absorbed, selfish, self-serving and shouldn’t suck the life out of people. I can’t really give anything to anyone so I don’t really want to suck them dry. I had really needy people do that to me and I see really needy people do that to others (one of my closest friends is going through that right now and I really am not going to bother her). I don’t want to be one of those needy people. I will sit back in the corner of my world and just not bother people. Why? What for? I have nothing to give nothing! I can’t cook, drive, I would make the worst baby sitter (and I would loath it) and have no money to give. Why would anyone want a relationship from me that would extend to more than just a passing by “hey”, FB post, or just to have as a time killer? I need to build myself up and look at what I can bring before I can reach out. Let’s face it I am not worth the time to put into. I seriously have to come to that.
I can’t expect people to make me happy anyway; I have to accept this season is just me and God right now. Heck I have to accept this maybe all I really get in my life. This isn’t for you all to feel guilty or sorry for me.. I don’t want to pressure people in putting me in their lives. I want it to be worth their wild. I want to be wanted not forced! I don’t want my existence to feel like a chore. If you WANT AND I EXPRESS WANT to be around me in a more significant manor let me know I try and be flexible.
I know this is coming off depressing (and it is) but is my reality, I have to take ownership of the rejection. I have to ask the questions “What am I doing to be likable?” I need to get look inside myself and look at my selfish motives or else I will be forever alone. How can I help anyone? I volunteer for stuff sure but often times I am standing at the event being useless. Not intentionally but it’s the fact I don’t have anything to offer, I try and help, try and give an ear, and it really isn’t much. Gosh I really didn’t mean this to be so depressing but it’s the truth how I feel. God has a plan and I need to express the feelings that I am battling with. How else can I change if I don’t face what I have in front of me?
My life isn’t that bad and it is pretty good but my mind is the battle ground I deal daily. I mean seriously I am busy like crazy this month how could I possibly feel alone?
I guess I just want someone to say “Kelly I love you and you really matter.” I am so glad Jesus really understands what it is like to be lonely. He believe it or not is a comfort in this rather dark mental place. I hate it because this is really no one else fault or responsibility. Sorry for the depressing post I don’t mean to bring anyone down