Uncomfortable Being Me

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Elvish-Designs's avatar
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You either love me or find me very annoying. I just got the book "Survival to Recovery (Growing up n an Alcoholic home) this weekend and I swear a few of the pages I could have written myself with a few exceptions. 

I
 grew up hiding form my reality in a fantasy world. I grew up loving mythological creatures, fairy tales, and wanted to be apart of that because I could be powerful and stick up for myself and others. I played with my toys for hours being in that world I loved. That world I could control. 

I am also an extrovert but kids my age didn't get me thought I was weird because of my fantasy world and couldn't relate so I was bullied. They also bullied me because also unusually thin (still am) and was an easy target. Actually my weight (or lack there of) is still an issue to this day. I am a social creature who isn't accepted often (still have this issue). I never could hide (and still can't) who I am though and that made things worse. So I hide from my father but couldn't make a lot of friends because no one understood my reality because it wasn't real. I told outlandish stories brought on by my imagination into my 20s (this now has been stopped in my life). I wanted to be a hero something special but inside I never felt like that. I got into horrible emotionally abusive relationships. 

I never knew anything but extreme emotions. I express my anger in outbursts of rage, I express my sadness in deep victim like depression, and when I am happy I have to tell everyone why. When I meet new people I will talk their ear off and tell them my life story yet afraid to show them who I am once they like me. Then when I get comfortable with someone they see the real me and back away. While much of my emotional well being as improved I am now getting so uncomfortable around social situations (because I now know the reality of such behaviors and realize the worlds rejection of me was mostly on my shoulders and not the world who was the problem). 

I find it completely uncomfortable being who I am but I can't control not being who I am. I already know I am wearing on people. This passed weekend I did my best to make sure I wasn't annoying. Though my chatty annoying self came out. Ugh I wish I could just SHUT UP!
© 2014 - 2024 Elvish-Designs
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Masterspuppeteer's avatar
Personally, I find you to be a "lovable" person, and much of what you describe here happens to ALL of us in one form or another! It is most likely that the dysfunctional part of your upbringing has simply made you more SENSITIVE; that's all! Nevertheless, we have both the power and strength to overcome EVERY negative situation in our lives. In short, Philippians 4:13 definitely applies here!
As a "preacher", I am known for being a TALKER also, so I know the feeling. You are welcome to note, Email, or even call, if you need to "unload". I consider you as a friend always!

God bless!